It’s crazy how much time can pass by without talking to our loved ones or without checking in with them and it not phase us. Life is busy and overwhelming and most days I forget that reaching out to those who love me can often calm the chaos of life down.

Life is weird. You can go so long without talking to someone yet still feel so connected the second you talk or meet up.

Its also crazy how after you lose someone every single day is flooded with thoughts of them. There is no shaking it- its like a constant reminder to let the ones you still have in your life know how much you love them and are thankful to have them.

There is not a single day that has passed since I was woken up to the phone call about you that I haven’t thought of you. In everything I do, I wonder what you would be doing at this second. I wonder if you would be proud of where I am in life or if you would be keeping tabs on me through all the social media madness.

I came to you for so much advice, you were always there to take care of me. Anytime I feel troubled or come across a moment that is similar to the ones we shared I feel so overwhelmed. I know you are living a much more worthy life now, but I wish you were here still. I wish I could see your posts so I could live vicariously through your travels. I wish I could see your pictures so I could see how much you’ve changed since high school.

Every picture sends my stomach into knots but also brings me so much joy to see your face again. The pictures shared from other people are some of the best. To see your smile and personality showing through memories with others is so heart warming.

Looking back at ourselves growing up, I knew you were that sweet boy who lived down the road from me, but I never truly understood your heart until I no longer got the chance to be around it. You were the sweetest, most gentle soul.

You put others before yourself since before I can remember. A moment in time I will never forget with you was during my high school breakup; I had to force you to go home while I was at work. You would come to town and sit at my work and just talk for hours to make sure I was okay, for the first week I didn’t even realize what you were doing and then once I did I had to force you away, promising you we would talk after work. I never asked you to do that, you did it to care for me out of the kindness of your own heart. I will never understand how one person can be so loving and kind.

I guess that is the frustrating thing about this world. You have to lose something to truly appreciate it. My heart longs for another moment with yours.

Year one.

Through this year all who knew you have struggled, cried, felt broken, found peace, felt lost, understanding, and gained new friends through your amazing connections and friendships. Your reach felt world wide; every where I turn and every site I scroll through I find someone new who had connected with you.

The heart break is still as vivid as the first hours, just less often and more sporadic.

It is still difficult for me to go home. Turning down the highway that led to my house and then yours – it stings. If I find myself near the river I am flooded with memories of float trips, bluff jumping (in your case, bridge jumping) and fore-wheeler drives. Even my own house feels strange. I have many summers of early morning visits from you to thank for that.

And I am just that. Thankful. I am thankful for all the memories, I would never trade them for the world. I only wish that I had the vocabulary to explain your personality and love to those who never got the chance to meet you.

I also wish that I had the heart and understanding to come back to my hometown and be around your family and friends without feeling a gaping hole and nervous mindset. I have not found an inner peace that allows for me to be comfortable again. I am not ignorant to the fact that it is because I avoid putting myself in those situations – facing my troubles could only help me move past them. But I still find it so difficult.

One day I hope that I will grow and accept the things that I cannot change. Today or tomorrow may not be that day, but over time I pray that I find the peace others have stumbled upon. I want to be able to rejoice in knowing you with others who got the same chance.

I will never ever forget the hole you left in mine and so many others hearts. But I will remember even stronger the love and kindness that your soul brought to so many.

There was not a kinder soul on this earth, I am convinced.

Although 365 days have passed, it feels like 365 seconds. My heart will never forget the pain of that day – it will also never forget the love and goodness of your heart.

You will forever live on through the stories of your crazy adventures, hearts you tended too and the memories of all those who’s life you touched dearly.

Connor Clifton, you will never be forgotten & will be forever cherished.